liberation

2006-03-25T04:36:00.000-08:00

i don't like this feeling at all - i really need to learn to let myself go, and stop
thinking about you, because, in truth, we will never amount to anything more than what we are at present. we both know it. and i feel so silly thinking you'll possibly relent, and let me get a few steps closer to you, it's so silly. why do i kid myself to think i mean something to you, when i don't ? all you care about is your family, and the plushies that sit on your bed in wait of your return. i hate you, though i will not say it to you; i hate you for how you make me feel so loved, and ignore me for days after. you, i will not allow anywhere close to my heart again. ever.

on a lighter note, debate's been going on great.
i'm thrashing that fat elephant of a debater-wannabe reeeal bad, and i've only just joined the team. ((: my coach is ranked fourth in the country, and 25th in the world, now that's seriously not bad! okays, more on that elephant of a debater first! hahahas, seriously, doesn't he have any idea how irritating it is when he keeps raising senseless points.of.information? he did that with everyone else on my team, but me! when i needed him to interupt me the most! i reallyy needed him to slow me down because i didn't have enough points to make a case that would last the entire period of my speech. well, the elephant didn't do that anyways.
enough about him, i think coach will have him removed in a few weeks.
he sees the REAL potential in me, in his own words (:
hee!

2006-03-18T23:20:00.000-08:00

for the first time, you said you loved me, yesterday; it made my heart skip a beat.
but you haven't called me all day and I hate this. i hate my unwillingly dependence on you, and how my mood is affected by how you treat me. today, i feel miserably lonely, and i want you around. when you said you loved me yesterday, i believed you without a doubt; i knew you weren't one to say things like that for the sake of it. after all, you're the one who told me you didn't mean to say you loved me the first time you did, that you would "say it only to the ones who truly meant something to your heart". but last night, you mouthed the sacred words which turned to nothing less than melodious to me twice.

i want this kor-di business to stop - you know we're beyond that now: we've crossed tongues, gone behind the lines of normal fraternal behavoir. so, tell me i'm the love of your heart, and i will avow the same to you, please. i beg.

2006-02-28T20:42:00.000-08:00

The stark, white walls stood out in the apartment, subtly reflecting the garish light from the ceiling lamp. Although the apartment was ornately furnished and situated in the up market District 9 area, it was always empty. It was a much coveted house, no doubt, but for this young and successful adult, it did not feel much like a home. Enervated after a long day at work, Christine Lee slipped her heels off and flung her Dior handbag carelessly on the sofa. Helping herself to some coffee from the dispenser, she took a long, hard look around the house, and sighed; her eyes studying the French windows, and the beautifully intricate carvings on the African statues she had purchased from a native South African. It seemed she was looking for something, but to no avail. Weakly, she pulled herself to her feet, and walked to the bedroom which was alit only by the delicate flames dancing atop a candle wick; the room smelled of sweet lavender. She lay down on the bed to rest as Chopin’s Nocturne played in the background, and vivid flashbacks started pouring into her mind...

“You’ll have to sign here and here, Mr. Lee.” The nurse said gently with a heavy Thai accent, pointing to the two dotted lines which Christopher was supposed to sign on. After he had authorized the signatures, the nurse smiled without much gusto, and muttered mechanically. “Thank You, Mr. Lee. The hospital will arrange for your operation as soon as possible. In the mean time, you’ll have to continue taking your medicine.” The nurse’s lackadaisical attitude amused Christopher, though he could not be bothered with it. She had probably grown used to patients like himself after working here at one of the country’s best hospitals. He could not really make out what the nurse had said; but he knew had finally made the decision: there was no turning back now even if he regretted. And personally, he didn’t feel an ounce of regret. In fact, he had not felt so carefree and euphoric for a long time. Finally, the burden that he had been carrying for so long a time was going to be resolved! The ecstasy that coursed through his veins felt like fire; energising and granting him a liberty he had never before experienced. Walking out of the hospital doors and into the open, the polluted Bangkok air felt as if it were clean and pristine mountain air. He wore a confident smile across his foundation-powdered face.

Back in his hotel room, Christopher picked up the phone and dialed back home. He had just eaten a hearty meal at the hotel restaurant, and felt more than ready to break the good news to his family. The phone rang, and rang, and rang … until finally, the line connected.

“Hello?” came a crude voice at the end of the line.

“Ma, I was at the hospital today! The doctor says that if there are no implications, the operation will be carried out as soon as possible!” Silence. “Ma?” Christopher murmured hesitantly into the mouthpiece, his mind suddenly blank with uncertainty. “Have you thought through this carefully? A surgical operation like that will throw you down the wayward path; and the lord Buddha will never accept you into his kingdom after you move on from this realm. Are you sure you want this kind of life? What is wrong with you, ah boy? ” Mrs. Lee’s voice echoed violently of disapproval and rejection. “But Ma, we’ve talked about this before! I’m sure that this is what I want; what I am! I was born this way! Ma …” “You do not give me rubbish like that, you hear? Buddha did not create you this way! Ah boy, has your mother ever done anything to harm you? When you were in Primary school, I brought you to the temple for the Buddha to bless you, and you emerged the top student of your year. I know what’s best for you. Ma is old already. How do you expect your Pa and I to face the neighbours, and relatives if you come home looking like that? The relatives are already questioning! That day when you went to the market, Mrs. Soh was already asking me questions…” The mother’s voice faded to silence, as though in resignation to her son’s relentlessness.

“Ma! Don’t you understand that I don’t care what others say or think? I don’t care what other people think of me! I don’t! What I really care about is what you and Pa think! Because I know that I’ve not done anything wrong. I don’t want to be like that. I didn’t choose this path, Ma!” Christopher argued, panting. He was overwhelmed with emotion. His tears, adulterated to a greasy black by his eyeliner, rolled down his face, leaving a ghastly ash-like trail on his cheeks. “I know I have parents that love me, and that this will disappoint them. But this is me, and I really hope that the two people I love the most will walk with me through this arduous journey, Ma.” He pleaded anxiously. Overwrought with emotions, Christopher put the phone down and lay back on the bed. He hugged his legs close to his body, and stared blankly out the window; lightning struck in the horizon as rain splattered noisily against the glass window. He rocked himself gently, oblivious to the natural chaos of rain and thunder outside the hotel.

______________________________________________________________________________

Mrs Lee stood by the phone, stunned that her son had just abruptly ended her conversation by cutting the connection halfway. Tears welled up in her eyes as she turned to gaze at the marble Buddha statue that stood proudly on the wooden pedestal, smoke from the burning incense made it even harder for her to see the statue with clarity – so much tears had welled up in her eyes that vision was remotely possible. She shook her head. And cried.
______________________________________________________________________________

It was three days later that the phone in the hall of the Lee residence rang again.
This time, it was Old Mr Lee who answered the phone. “Hello,” he greeted. “Who’s on the line?”
“It’s me, ah pa, is Ma in? I would like to speak to her. The doctor has informed me the operation will happen in a matter of days, and I am very excited about my new life,”Christopher delivered the words swiftly, as he had earlier rehearsed. He heaved a sigh of relief in his heart, though he knew for certain a string of harsh remarks was about to ensue.

“Your poor mother has been crying since the night you called. Don’t bother calling back ever again! I don’t know what I did in my previous lifetimes to deserve an ingrate like you! It’s my fault that I have such bad karma. If you want to continue down this path of abnormality, and drown yourself in an ocean of sin and bad karma, suit yourself! Your ah ma and I have done all we can to make you the best you can be, you lousy jinx! I don’t have a son like you, do what you want with your life. I’m not your father.”

The line went dead.

Christopher stared at the phone blankly in his hand, his vision starting to cloud. Why didn’t his parents understand him after all the explaining? The pleading! He wanted to scream; he wanted to release the nervous energy that had built up within him, but could not. Eyes wet with tears, he crawled to the mirror and looked angrily at the reflection staring back at him. Gently, he caressed his chest and imagined what it would be like to have breasts; the masculine bulge of muscle mass on his chest disgusted him terribly: he felt suppressed within the frame of this male body.
______________________________________________________________________________

Finally, the day he had been awaiting so anxiously for had come. He stood, bags in arm, in the waiting room; the nurse had left mere minutes ago with the administrative papers that Christopher had signed. He sat down on the floor, back leaning against the wall. He shook his head as his mother’s voice echoed in his mind; he understood she meant well, but felt a sore ache in his heart for he knew she could not see things from his perspective; how it felt being stuck in the wrong body. He had to get out.

The corridor suddenly felt cold and bare. Shivering slightly, he straightened his back and waited for the doctor. As though he was watching a movie in slow motion, he saw himself climb up the hospital bed, that would be wheeling him to the operation theatre, from the mirror that was hung at the other end of the room. Watching the passing ceiling lights, Christopher felt knots in his stomach. He hugged himself under the flimsy hospital sheets that smelt strongly of antiseptic. Overwhelmed suddenly by a feeling of uncertainty, he felt nauseous. He saw a figure clothed in white and green place a gas mask over his nostrils, and the blinding operation lights overhead, before a numbing sensation suddenly overwhelmed him as the anesthesia plunged him into a realm of mental darkness …

_____________________________________________________________________________

Christine turned over to face the mirror she had bought at the street market in Bangkok; there were carvings of women with ample bosoms carrying pails of water on their heads, on both sides of the artifact. Her fingers ran quickly up her chest, and stopped promptly at her breasts. She played with them, as she wondered what it would be like to be without them; they felt soft. All her life, she had wanted to be a man; to be rid of menstruation, and the torture of having cramps, and getting toyed with by men. She disliked being feminine; she hated being a woman. Suddenly enraged by how her previous boyfriends had toyed with her body, she screamed, arms swinging about violently. In her state of hysteria, she grabbed a chrome photo frame and threw it on the floor. The shattering of glass jolted her back to reality, as she saw faintly, with the light from the candles, two people standing in the picture. “Christopher,” she murmured, as thoughts of how they had grown up happily together as brother and sister quickly shot into her brain. She dropped to her knees and buried her face in her hands. It was five years ago, on this day, that she had received a telephone from Bangkok informing her that her brother had died in an operation: Christopher was the only reason Christine did not dare to cross the boundary, and fufill her fantasy of becoming a man. Her brother had crossed the boundary of life and death for her to remain normal …

2006-02-28T20:35:00.000-08:00

dude, i don't understand why you're bitching behind me back, honestly.
but i gotta tell you, if you don't stop soon, i'm gonna get at you. it's for your own good, just stop. things will get really ugly when i move my piece.

2006-02-23T01:25:00.000-08:00

Yimmie is now my favouritest friend because she says i can loan faith (: (:
yay! i'm gonna have a golden retriever to play with for a while. i love you, yimmie! (:

2006-02-18T04:42:00.000-08:00

okays, i suppose it's time i revealed officially on my blog what i got for my o's. burhhs.
it truly was disappointing. in retrospect, i feel i could definitely have done better. grr! that kinda makes me wanna kill Dominic Seow more. (if you don't know why, don't ask.) lol. okays, but this is about me, not him. (: (:

I scored a 12 for my L1r4
and a 17 for my L1r5.

I really don't understand what the fuss about my results is about. Lina scored 13 in her year, and no one really bothered much about her; but everyone, except a few boneheads, seems to be proud of me. I mean, bring on the glory, baby, but i have to feel like i deserve it first. (:

Anyways, Jeanette's gonna kick my butt this year with 6 points, i betcha!
That girl's one hardworkin' mugger. (: (:
(To Jeanette: If you don't kick thaat albino sewer rat we have for a cousin, and show his father who's boss, i will chop your hair off)

I'm really disappointed 'cos i won't be getting a dog anymore. I hate it when adults go back on their words, and later on wonder why you don't respect them. go figure, morons.

2006-02-05T23:11:00.000-08:00

It's the 6th of February today, and i'm somewhat amused that i'm actually sitting before my computer screen, typing. Fret not, this will not be a an entry of angst because i haven't a reason to be angsty quite yet: the o's were not released today. like, wtf! Everyone speculated it would be today! and now, because of my habit of believing EVERYTHING elite schools say, i now owe the bomb diggity we know as Laxhmi Devi 10 Singapore Dollars. That could feed five starving children in Nepal. (pardon the random thought.)

Apologies for not updating in so long. Was feeling reluctant to pour my honest feelings online, but i'm back on track now, many thanks to JS' amazing blog entries. (: (:

I think Giselle Bundchen is truly deserving of the title "World's Numero Uno Supermodel".
Tyra Banks is just unique.
Karolina Kurkova kicks ass, too!
Petra Nemcova is hardly spectacular.
Ong Yew Huat is Junk model material. (: (:

shake it, shake it (:

2006-01-13T19:57:00.000-08:00

i'm actually quite shocked that i'm considering poly as an alternative.
i guess what geraldine told me about the A's and all did freak me out after all.
as of now, i'm not in a position to decide if i'm going to forgo going to a junior college because my grades mightn't even allow for entry into one. and if i do well enough only for admission into the skanky ones, i'd rather go to Ngee Ann Poly and do mass comm.

-ahem- pardon my bitch fit, but you've got to have substance if you wanna become a FAMOUS radio personality. and before you even think about joining a radio station, you ought to sit yourself down and consider the intense competition because the position you're eyeing is very much coveted. we're living in reality, and dreams, no matter how sweet, just won't become reality if you don't have what it takes to make it. wanting something alone doesn't make you good enough. and if you think i'm bitching, i'm not. i've had my dreams crushed before, too . i'm sure everyone remembers how the principal of ACS BR rejected my appeal to transfer into his school. I did - and somewhat still do - so much want to become an ACSian, but if it's not possible, it's not possible. don't waste your time.

next up, a scandalous sexcapade so dirty and shocking you'll never believe it actually happened. just like the women of wysteria lane, we all have skeletons in our closets; some are taken to the grave, whilst others are discovered and forcefully revealed. let us now imagine for a second the possibility of an ex-classmate of ours who once brightened up our days of secondary school education with his infectious laughter, and amusing displays of wrongly-used vocabulary. as he states in his own words, "everyone wears a facade". though somewhat exaggerated, i find truth in the words he used: he has done things he ought to be ashamed of, behind our backs. i will not name names because i think he should have the honour of coming out, and confessing himself.

shortly before the fieldtrip to Malaysia in 2004, he met up with an undergraduate from a local university, and ended up committing buggery (it means sodomy, for those of you who don't own a dictionary). worse, he gave his consent to be sodomized on his very first meetup with the guy. although he has violently maintained that he is straight, i find it incredible because it was on a gay website, which has already been shut down, that he met the undergraduate. question: do straight boys seek friends through homosexual channels? they certainly don't.

mhmm, i'm sure you're absolutely curious to know why i'm publicizing all the horrible things you did. it's really quite simple. i admit i was fond of you once upon a time, but that was when i was still naive, and didn't have much of an expectation; i think we just got too close, and i couldn't define what i was feeling, so i conveniently dismissed it as an infatuation. i did so much as trust you with how i was feeling, and you told others. a true friend wouldn't have even breathed a word of something like that to another. and this is why you're "neither classmate nor friend" anymore. i'm not being a petty grotz, i'm teaching you what goes around, comes around. and it's your fault i have something to hold against you: you don't have the right to be mad at me. just so you know, we were still friends until "he told me you had a crush on him in sec 3" reached my ears. and there you are, pathetically complaining people don't treat you well. mhmm (: i never intended to tell, until now.

next, don't write poems for nothing;
half the time your poems don't have a subject matter, and they're usually grammatically incorrect, too. so, yeah, like i said, don't write poems unless you're good enough to.
failing literature 3/4 of the time kinda puts it in your face that you don't got what it takes to evoke and sway emotions. you wanna write good poems, go read william blake/ catherine lim/ joshua weiner, even felicia williams comes up with reasonably good poetry sometimes. you're just disappointing to read. and, by the way, you're 16, so start acting like it. and ... i think girls only add you on friendster because you're photogenic? reality (the mirror) can be harsh, but you grew up knowing that, didn't you (:

oh, one last thing, hwa chong won't take you in for volleyball; they only take people who excel in all their subjects, or a sport. (:

man, isn't blogging fun.fun.fun? (:

2006-01-05T20:35:00.000-08:00

of which land do you hail from,
knight in shining armour,
and why do you hide,
in all your glory and honour,
behind
cold, dead metal?

atop your stallion,
your shadow cast upon the barren earth;
wrinkled, as old as the age of time;
dry, and thirsty.
heroic, you commit your crimes for the
king of your heart;
does it justify what you've done?
Heart ripped, sinews twisted;
upon the dirt, my splattered blood.
oh, what harm
you've caused me.

I saw the darkness within your
helmet; where it is your world alone;
where light can never prevail.
you walk in solitude, although you did invite
me. i could never understand you,
and how you could stab
me
so mercilessly
with sword, and no last words.
i remember everything:
i gasped,
i begged,
i implored;
i cried - to no avail.
to the heavens you sent me,
away from the earth as lifeless
as my rotting being now.
i have been found.
amen.

2006-01-01T12:45:00.000-08:00

i know what i did just now really upset you, and i really don't know what to say or do now.
i mean, i understand you don't wanna see me fool around, but it's a choice I made. whatever you say to carlos, and vice versa, is strictly between the two of you; you may judge me and condemn me, but my existence is not dependent on yours. i do regard you as an awesome friend, but i've never really thought of you as anything beyond that. perhaps, i sleep around because it thrills me, or perhaps i do it to while my loneliness away. i am a very lonely kid, and i'll have nothing to do for the first three months - that feeling sucks.

2005-12-29T22:31:00.000-08:00

was listening to the radio this morning when i heard a song that made sense out of really cliche lyrics.
it told of a man who'd been dumped by his girlfriend, and how love songs made him weary and reminded him of his relationship, and their memories. for the first minute or so, i felt like crying again, but the song made me realise wishing for what's gone to come back is just being unrealistic. there was a reason why he left, and it's time i accepted it. i've given it a lot of thought, and i've decided boys don't look good with boys - so i'm going to change.

hopefully, i'll be able to make it to a jc. (:
and nellie's agreed to go swimming with me! so i'll prolly be able to look healthier really soon. losing 5 kg was really bad. arghs, have lost my mood and inspiration to write again. will check back later.

laters!

2005-12-27T20:36:00.000-08:00

everything scares me now; why can't things be like before ?
when dom. said he liked another girl again, i couldn't handle it - and i can't say i've survived because i'm still tearing on the inside; when Reuben said he didn't know if he wanted to continue the relationship, i died on the inside, too. I'm really scared, maybe now i should just keep friends by my side and stay out of relationships. After all, half the time, i'm not really interested in them. I've had so many ex-es i've lost count, and i'm a total mess now.

I probably screwed my o's up, and i really don't want to go to poly.
i screwed up because dom. just walked out the door of my life, and even if i don't make it to a jc, he's not gonna come back and pity me or be there for me. he just won't. he'll remain high and mighty in prestigious RJC. i still cry for i am only human.

I'm really hurting on the inside, i am.
Seems like no one truly understands this agony and torment - of having everyone yet no one at all. I'm sick of having guys like me, and then dumping me after.

I know i don't have what it takes to pull through a relationship; guys see a cheery side of me, and like it, but this side of me is only of the exterior. I'm only happy for the world to see. Once you enter my world, you see the me that i don't wanna be: materialistic, superficial, and dishonest (even to myself).

i'm really, really terrified. I wanna be the me that my friends adored again; the me that always had the brightest smile, the sincerest laughter, and the funniest crack-you-to-your-bones jokes.
i wanna be everyone's best friend again. but here i sit, crying alone.

2005-12-27T19:30:00.000-08:00

Short Summary

Sagittarians are fun loving, generous and extremely friendly. They very rarely tell lies, in fact they're so open about everything, the whole world knows what they're up to. They have marvellous intuitions that they should take notice of. They're pretty clever because they're so interested in everything. They can be a bit rude but that's only because they're very honest and will say exactly what they think. They love travel, fast cars and horse riding. They also love spending money, so a credit card should be avoided.

Long Summary

Sagittarians are great company because they are interested in everything and everyone. Broad-minded and lacking in prejudice, they are fascinated by even the strangest of people. With their optimism and humour, they are often the life and soul of the party, while they are in a good mood. They can become quite downhearted, crabby and awkward on occasion, but not usually for long. They can be hurtful to others because they cannot resist speaking what they see as the truth, even if it causes embarrassment. However, their tactlessness is usually innocent and they have no desire to hurt.
Sagittarians need an unconventional lifestyle, preferable one that allows them to travel. They cannot be cooped up in a cramped environment and they need to meet new people and to explore a variety of ideas during theirs days work. Money is not their god - they will work for a pittance if they feel inspired by the task. Their values are spiritual rather than material. Many are attracted to the spiritual side of life and may be interested in the church, philosophy, astrology and other new age subjects. Higher education and legal matters attract them because they need to feel free and unfettered but they can do well with a self-sufficient and independent partner. Despite all this intellectualism and need for freedom, Sagittarians have a deep need to be cuddled and touched and they need to be supported emotionally.

2005-11-25T21:34:00.000-08:00

1. “God created Adam and Eve in that garden – not Adam and Steve.” What is your view of the growing phenomenon of same-sex marriage? (RJC JC2 CT1 2005)

Throughout the histories of many peoples, homosexual marriages have not been unheard of. In fact, in some cultures, they are actually embraced and celebrated. However, they have also been civilisations that regarded the whole concept a sin. Take the witch trials in Europe during the 1400s for example: men who fancied their kind were considered the spawn of the devil, and burned. The consequences of being homosexual today may not be as drastic as those of yesteryear, but having a homosexual relationship or marriage can still be very detrimental to a person’s mental and physical self. Thus, I stand strongly against the concept of same-sex marriages. (read: duh?)

With communicative tools like the internet easily in reach, homosexual people of today are able to communicate with others like themselves – and even meet up with them, if their geographical positions allow. The number of people available online is shocking, and so are the things they wish to ultimately achieve being online: some want unrealistic long-term relationships, others simply physical satisfaction. For a relationship to last, and be fulfilling, mutual understanding is imperative – however, that is the one thing that is lacking in local gay relationships. With the pros that technology has brought to the gay circle in Singapore, and the rest of the world, come the cons: the convenience that the internet provides causes the process of “courtship” in gay relationships to be greatly accelerated; two parties could be in a relationship within a day – or worse, an hour. The parties involved may not know enough about each other to understand what they are really getting themselves into. Obviously, with such haste and little thought, a relationship like that must end in bitterness and regret – and innocent parties could get hurt because of their “lovers’” inconsiderateness and self-centeredness. (read: fickle loser)

Many a confused teenager often stumble on websites that promote gay relationships and allow chat rooms where homosexual people may interact with one another in cyberspace, and allow their curiosity to get the better of them. Many cases like that have been reported in the local press; these teenagers are often taken advantage of, molested, and in extreme cases, raped. Other teenagers assume they are in love when they meet people they are able to communicate with - this assumption is due more to an underlying sense of loneliness rather than a genuine attraction. As such, teenagers fall as quickly in love, as they fall out of it. Such a phenomenon is indeed shocking, and should be worrying because it reflects the presence of immature people who do not know what they want. Alas, I feel it is time the government did something to change what is happening in the present society.
Homosexuality is merely a state of confusion in the mind; nobody is born homosexual, and hence, it must be understood that homosexuality is unnatural, and simply refusal on the homosexual’s part to comply with the norms and conventions of society. Having stated some of the cons of being homosexual, I fail to understand why people continue being homosexual when they eventually end up getting hurt – and discriminated by the general public.

I have stated my stand, and substantiated my points of view as to why homosexuality should not be tolerated and accepted in society. I addressed these points because I feel they are the directly relevant to the phenomenon of an increasing number of gay marriages.

Today, marriage is viewed as a vehicle for procreation. In general, people get married to carry on their bloodline. Having children can be quite a tedious task, albeit an enjoyable and fulfilling one. Children act as the “glue” of the family, and keep both parents bonded. Raising a child together with your spouse can also bring you closer to them. However, this is impossible in a homosexual union because it is simply biologically impossible for either spouse to deliver a child. With this, I ask what good a homosexual marriage is?

This point could easily be rebutted with the solution of adopting a child into a homosexual family. However, we must not neglect the fact that a child must have both a maternal and paternal influence to have a wholesome childhood – and grow up a normal person. It has been proven scientifically that a child requires both a motherly figure, and a fatherly figure to be able to develop proper emotions, and interact with others. Without a doubt, a homosexual couple would not be able to provide this for their “children”. (read: I think you are a loser)

No doubt, ideas and views on marriage have undergone many a change, and holy matrimony should be shared amongst all mankind, but there is simply no point of such conduction if the marriage is to end up in bitterness, and emptiness. A gay marriage will eventually end up like that because of a lack of fulfilment as a person, and a lover. It is difficult to satisfy a gay person’s sexual needs.

As the title of this essay states: “God created Adam and Eve, and not Adam and Steve”. Hence, I hope, with all the points I have raised, I have been able to communicate my stand with conviction. Truly, I feel that gay marriages are just tragedies that have not yet unfolded, and thus, should not be tolerated nor accepted.

2005-11-24T18:48:00.000-08:00

2005-11-24T01:05:00.000-08:00

girls from now on.

2005-11-13T21:42:00.000-08:00

I think you're the kor with the sweetest lips. =)
hahas, thanks for being around when i needed you. what you said really surprised me because i never knew i was so important to you. but, i'm really glad i matter to you. and you've been great inspiration to me.
thanks for pulling me out of the ditch, cleaning me up, and sending me down my path once more.

in your own words, "no one i hold in such high esteem is going to screw his life up. wake up, don't worry me".

as for my current relationship, i think i may need some time away from him.
i'm just feeling very pressured and ... missing him doesn't help either.
it's loving and having to wait that sucks.

2005-11-12T00:32:00.000-08:00

Dinner with Yimmie last night was delightful, we spent a lot of time
filling each other in about what we've been missing in each other's lives.
apparently, she hasn't had a very good year.
Well, i really think it doesn't matter as long as you know when you have to pick yourself up and move on. Like I said, we both know what we need to do, we're just unwilling to.
I've moved on, and look what I have now? A lawer-to-be boyfriend who's cute-beyond-cute! (:
Frankly, i think it's time you let go of Collin. I don't think he's a baddie, but sometimes,
we have to make drastic decisions to make sure we don't get hurt ourselves.

Make sure you don't screw your life up next year,
forgoing your o's was a very dumb thing you did.

Anyways, i think i did okay for most of my papers, but i'm feeling pessimistic now.
i'm really scared I might not qualify for entry into a Junior College. Right now, i'm eyeing Catholic Junior College because I know i've already screwed up quite a few subjects - and CJ is the lowest I could go. Damn, what if i don't even qualify for CJ? what the fuck.

I wrote the dumbest essay I've ever written for the English paper! I was not impressed with my essay at all.
It seemed like an essay that an any Tom, Dick and Harry could have written. ARGH. I blame the nerves!
Oh, speaking of nerves, I totally blanked out during the literature paper. I'm quite convinced I'll fail it. *fingers crossed*
please don't let me fail the Literature paper! I'm ftp's top student in Literature! In other words, i'm capable of responding intelligently, i just ... wasn't thinking straight when i was doing the paper. stupid shit!

2005-11-06T05:29:00.000-08:00

i hate myself.

2005-11-05T06:12:00.000-08:00

i don't want to be lied to.
i trust you know what that means;
you're perfection in the flesh
you're the moon in the plague of darkness,
the rain in a drought.
you're my everything.

for you, i could give everything up.
i'll give you my heart,
just promise you won't break it.

je t'aime a la folie, mon cher.

2005-11-03T22:08:00.000-08:00

Sagittarius:

Quickie:Look to a close friendship for the affection and support you need right now.

Overview:The Universe has arranged an agenda that's just perfect for getting you close -- or closer -- to your current squeeze, as long as you spend some quality time alone. So, make sure that happens.

I hope i'm not being too hopeful on my part; i haven't felt so secure in a really long time.
You're the first person to have ever caused butterflies in my stomach. Your seem to really want progress with me to a whole new level, yet you also seem to have reservations.
but i'm convinced there's attraction between us. I know you won't have much time because of your military duties, and after the whole boot camp crap, you're gonna have to go to law school, but that's really fine with me.
i'll give you your space, i promise. Besides, shouldn't you feel guilty for making me lose sleep last night ? =p
i used my phone to call you! my bill's gonna rocket this month, but it's fine (:
i have a good feeling abouut youu, and i'm keeping my fingers REAL tight that it's a mutual thing.

Gemini:

Quickie:Who you choose as a partner is crucial -- find someone who has the skills you lack.

Overview:About that giant leap toward closeness you're considering: You might not be ready to make a decision, but you'll recognize this by the way you hesitate every time your partner gets close enough for you to see their eyelashes. Don't feel rushed.

Now, i hope i'm not intimidating you.
remember what happened two nights before?
when i sent you a message you didn't read properly?
you told me i was too good to let go, that you wouldn't let me go even if i wanted to go.
i .... hope you really meant that.

good things to come, alrytes?

2005-11-01T18:00:00.000-08:00

i think i ran into him on the channel last night, and that was definitely not a pleasant experience.
i immediately questioned: if he had truly decided to walk down the heterosexual path, then why was he on the channel?
how was he being fair to me, or, for the matter, his newfound love interest from Victoria Junior College?
alas, it struck me that he was not at fault; he was merely displaying a characteristic dominant in most males: selfishness.
i realised he had never cared for me, though he indignantly claimed he had. I was blinded by something that never really appealed to me from the start. foolishly, i obeyed him: i turned cold to my other kors, went on the channel with an ice-queen attitude and never gave others chances to talk to me for too long. now i ask: all that for what?
to have the heart of a 16 year-old boy broken right before a very crucial examination period.

and then i broke down; i cried my heart out for four consecutive days, and lost a total of 3 kilograms. amazing, huh ?

but, as the saying goes, "every cloud has a silver lining", i also realised i wasn't -and had never been- alone;
my kors, upon hearing i was breaking down, came to shower me with their attention. they offered to take me out so i wouldn't be alone, called so often i'm sure my bill's gonna be real high this month, and even dropped by twice to talk to me in the face. to the kors that really cared, i can only apologise. i know now you guys have always cared even though i never spoke to you guys very often.

and, small-M, the 22nd's gonna fly by real quick (:

and this moronic uncle wants me to be his boytoy for a pathetic amount of $550 a month.
triple that, and i'm yours (:

2005-10-27T22:10:00.000-07:00

Sagittarius About Your Sign...

Sagittarians have a positive outlook on life, are full of enterprise, energy, versatility, adventurousness and eagerness to extend experience beyond the physically familiar. They enjoy travelling and exploration, the more so because their minds are constantly open to new dimensions of thought. They are basically ambitious and optimistic, and continue to be so even when their hopes are dashed. Their strongly idealistic natures can also suffer many disappointments without being affected. They are honorable, honest, trustworthy, truthful, generous and sincere, with a passion for justice. They are usually on the side of the underdog in society they will fight for any cause they believe to be just, and are prepared to be rebellious. They balance loyalty with independence.
Sagittarians are usually modest and are often religious, with a strong sense of morality, though they tend to overemphasize the ethical codes they follow and worship beliefs about God rather than God Himself. This means that, negatively, they regard rigid, unloving, intolerant adherence to ritual and conventional codes as more important than the truths they symbolize or embody. They sometimes pay lip service to religions and political parties in which they have ceased to believe because the outward forms satisfy them, yet they may not hesitate to switch allegiance in politics or change their system of belief if they see personal advantage to themselves in doing so.
They have both profound and widely ranging minds, equipped with foresight and good judgement, and they can be witty conversationalists. They love to initiate new projects (they make excellent researchers) and have an urge to understand conceptions that are new to them. they think rapidly, are intuitive and often original, but are better at adapting than inventing and are at their best when working with colleagues of other types of character that compliment their own. They are strong-willed and good at organizing, a combination that gives them the ability to bring any project they undertake to a successful conclusion. Their generosity can be balanced by their extreme care at handling their resources.
Sagittarians are ardent, sincere and straightforward in love, normally conventional and in control of their sexual natures. Yet if thwarted, they may easily allow their failure to embitter their whole lives or they may revenge themselves upon the opposite sex by becoming cynically promiscuous. They are more apt then the average to make an uncongenial alliance. If their marriages are successful, they will be faithful spouses and indulgent parents; but their innate restlessness will inspire them to use even the most satisfying ménage as a base from which to set out on their travels. They need to fell free and are often faced with the choice of allowing their careers to take over their lives at the expense of the love of their spouse and family. Sagittarian women are the counterparts of their men; even if they have no career to rival their love, they find it difficult to express affection and may run the risk of being thought frigid.

In other personal relationships they are reliable, seldom betraying any trust given to them. They can, however, be impulsively angry and both male and female Sagittarians know how to be outspoken and exactly what expressions will hurt their adversaries most. On the other hand they are magnanimous in forgiving offenses and are responsible when looking after the elderly in the family.
Their gifts fit Sagittarians for a number of widely differing professions. They are natural teachers and philosophers with a talent for expounding the moral principles and laws which seem to explain the universe. This gift enables them to be successful churchmen on the one hand and scientists on the other. The law and politics also suit them, as does public service, social administration, public relations and advertising. Travel and exploration naturally appeal to such restless souls and, if their opportunities are limited, they may find something of travel and change of scene in the armed forces or through working as a travelling salesman. Others may make fine musicians and, in the days before automobiles, they were said to be successful at horse trading and all activities, including sporting ones, concerning horses. This has been translated in modern terms into an interest in cars and aircraft - and again with emphasis on the sporting side racing, rallying etc. They are said to make good sports coaches, but their tastes in this direction may lead them into imprudent gambling, though the gambling instinct may be sublimated by carrying it out professionally as a bookmaker.
The vices to which Sagittarians are prone are anger they tend to flare up over trifles; impatience - they want to rush every new project through immediately and demand too much of colleagues who cannot work at the pace they require; and scorn of the inadequacies of others while expecting fulsome recognition of their own efforts. They may in one sense deserve recognition, because in completing a major project they will sacrifice their health and family relationships; in their family's eyes they may merit condemnation.
They can be exacting, domineering and inconsiderate in the work place; and boastful, vulgar and extravagant in their private lives. Their restlessness, if excessive, can jeopardize more than their own stability. some Sagittarians risk becoming playboys, wasting their lives away in frivolous pursuits. Others can develop a moralizing, religious fanaticism or else turn into hypocrites, their inner prudishness disguised by an outward appearance of joviality. Another side of the religiosity which is a danger in Sagittarians is superstition.

2005-10-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking a lot about things, and i've kinda come to the realization that it was my fault and not yours. the past 4 or 5 days were just painful to live, and knowing you wouldn't be around when i woke up in the morning didn't help - at all. the part where i started getting abusive and unforgiving to myself came when i realized our seperation was more of my fault.

indeed, if i had told you how i truly felt for you back then, you wouldn't have swayed. if i had put forth my insecurities from the start, maybe you would have known and understood just how important you were to me. i guess nothing i could do now could change anything, but it's never a good thing to look at things that remind me of you. and apparently, there are many things that do; i remember the cute lil' you in your ezlink, the time you wake up to get to school, and the confession that you sleep without your clothes. and suddenly, i'm wishing for a lot of things that never used to matter to me. i'm wishing for a last cuddle, or a last kiss, or anything that could spark off some hope for me to continue existing - but to no avail. alas, it is an undeniable human quality to be realistic, and yet, at the same time, pessimistic.

if i had replied to that one last message that came during the prelims, or if i had called you a few days earlier, things may not have come to this - but they have. in total, i cried 9 times, and couldn't eat for the first 3 days. honestly, the o's are drawing nearer and nearer, and i have no choice but to study. the worst part of this whole seperation, is that i cannot blame you for not caring, because you keep telling me to study hard. but ask yourself, how can i? i'm the incarnation of bones and skin now. and i hate it. you always pop back into my head when i try to mug. and i do know that you did care once, i want you back real bad.

i guess what i really want to tell you is that, i'm really sorry for everything that has happened. it was ... all my fault. sorry.

don't bother replying.i think we shouldn't talk until my o's are over.

ps: benbo, stop adulterating the English language with your kns vocabulary. it serves only to disgust your readers.